joy amidst regrets<unintelligible victorious yowl>






I can't even.
Objectively, life kind of sucks right now. But there's that tiny circumstance, I can't find words enough in English or in Russian, but it gives me that concentrated jolt of fierce triumph. Oh, I can't even.
A tiny simple question, perfunctory, it doesn't even matter, they're free to go ahead whether I say yes or not. It's just the fact alone...
I can't explain why. It's just — in the beginning, I wrote I was forgotten. Well, this question — it means I'm not. I was not. There was a trace, and it survived, and it held on, and it's still there right now, and they're asking me their unnecessary formal question, and I'm not forgotten, and funking hell, but it matters, it matters even though it shouldn't.
It doesn't even give me anything. Like, material or claimable or I don't know. Nothing but acknowledgement. My god, it makes me appear so attention-starved. It's not like that. It's just... a piece of pure joy of back then, delivered to my bleary now. And it's not even real, not a fragment of what I really miss (oh my regrets are complex and detailed), but still... the emotion feels pretty real, at least.
Really, why would I need to justify it?

@темы: EN, поток сознания